CNN Will Become Sleazy Moronic Copy of Headline News

Last-place cable news network CNN (which literally means "Cable News Network") has a new boss, Ken Jautz from sleazeball-idiocracy sister station Headline News, which hasn't broadcast any news beyond celebrity abortions, videos of animals farting and redneck baby-cannibalism trials since, we imagine, the first Gulf War. Jonathan Klein, the genius executive behind such hits as "A Retarded Person Named Rick Sanchez Is Confused By Earth But Fascinated By Fire and Loud Noises," was just fired and didn't even get to come to work today to clean out his desk, which was stuffed with drool-caked issues ofHighlights For Children, which he constantly had to pluck away from Sanchez during commercial breaks.

Klein is also responsible for the numbingly dumb daytime newscasts before, after and between the seemingly endlessRick's Listsegments. The philosophy, if there was one, seemed to be "let's make it as stupid as Fox News, but without the fear and hatred of brown people and queers and whatever." Well maybe that would work inCanada, but here in the U-S-of-A we like our dipshit cable news full of racism, warmongering and quack medical shows -- you know, like Fox News, which has led American cable-news ratings since 2002.

The only way to "beat" Fox News is to remove all news-related content from the news, which is exactly what Headline News did with such apparent success. So expect Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez to replace whatever talking heads CNN employs before, between and afterRick's List, which will now be the signature program of CNN and will exclusively feature YouTubes of kids walking into walls and cats totally freaking out over something and running like crazy into the bedroom. [ New York Times ]